


Ambivalence

by catboyhannibal



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angsty Neil, Character Study, Light Angst, Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society) Lives, Other, Sort Of, Therapy, no beta we publish risking typos and bad grammar like real men, the slightest sliver of anderperry if you squit really hard in one sentence lol, this was kinda an excuse to just write about neil being irritated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-01 06:24:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20810546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catboyhannibal/pseuds/catboyhannibal
Summary: A rewrite of a scene from the movie Girl, Interrupted. In which Neil's suicide attempt failed and he was institutionalized.





	Ambivalence

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic please be nice ;___;  
Besides that, any feedback (including CONSTRUCTIVE criticism) is highly appreciated!

"Good morning, Neil." 

"Good morning." Neil returned pleasantry as he took his seat on the couch, a rather uncomfortable one, looking back at his therapist. He had been in the institution for three months, having signed himself in against his father's will, as he was newly eighteen. The issue was not that his father had opposed. In fact, Neil had reveled in the fact that he was disobeying his father and there was nothing he could do about it. The issue was that was that Neil was beginning to agree with him. 

"How are you?" she asks.

Neil almost laughs. Every session always opens with this question. He know's he's supposed to answer sincerely, this is therapy after all, but he cannot think of the words to describe how he feels. He misses his friends, misses Todd. In a sad, ironic sort of way he even misses Hellton. It was routine; normal. What Neil would give to feel normal again.

Instead he offers a soft. "Fine, I guess." 

"You look tired."

It's spoken like it's offhanded. A simple observation, maybe some extension of sympathy. Neil knows after months of this exchange that it is not in fact offhanded. Perhaps it's meant to be comforting, but it's quite the opposite. The statement makes Neil want to squirm. It feels like an accusation. He shrugs.

"Melvin says that you have some very interesting theories about your illness." Though the sentence is stated with a tone of complete neutrality, much like the last, Neil knows that isn't the case.

So he rolls his eyes. Melvin was his first therapist. Neil hated Melvin. Perhaps hate is a strong word, but what Neil felt was something akin to it, so it'll suffice. Melvin's voice was low and monotonous. It droned on like the hum of a fan for as long as his lips moved. More than once Neil found himself having to simply pretend he had heard what Melvin had said, as he'd learned the first few times that asking him to repeat himself hardly makes him pay more attention. Thankfully, when Melvin wasn't speaking, he let Neil ramble. Whatever came to mind is what Neil would say, like the stream of consciousness writing exercises Keating once had the class try. These moments Neil found quite freeing, as he had never been able to say whatever was on his mind, uncensored, whenever he wanted before. That is, until Melvin started bringing up furthering a diagnosis. Neil had shut down.

"That you believe there is 'a mystical undertow in life.' 'Quicksands of shadows'" The way she says these things again makes Neil feel like he is being accused of something.

He is beginning to grow irritated. He taps his fingers of his left hand against his knee and rests his right elbow on the arm of the couch so that he can set his chin in his palm. His foot is tapping, though not in any regular rhythm or pattern. Simply tapping on and off as it so desires. He does not like this woman either. He has met with her every day for a week so far and he is ready to stop talking all together. He does not like that Melvin has told her all that Neil has said to him, despite the fact that Neil is well aware this is how this all works. He does not feel like talking to her any more, but it's still very early into the session. 

"Another one of my theories is that you people don't know what you're doing." He offers, a snide remark he would normally have kept to himself under different circumstances. 

"You acknowledge a problem coping with this quicksand," she continues.

He grows more annoyed when she doesn't even acknowledge what he said. What's the point of these therapy sessions if she isn't even going to listen to him?

"I have a problem coping with this hospital," he snaps. And with a defeated sigh, "I wanna leave."

"I'm very sorry but you can't do that." For once, what sounds like a genuine apology actually is.

Surprisingly, this irritates Neil again. He hates feeling pitied, and he's almost positive that's what this is.

"I signed myself in, I should be able to sign myself out." He states matter-of-faculty. 

"You signed yourself into _our care_. We decide when you leave. I'm sorry Neil but you're simply not ready." Neil opens his mouth to protest but closes it again when she continues. "Your progress has plateaued."

For a moment they sit in silence. Neil finally looks away from her, choosing instead to focus on a scuff on the toe of his shoe. 

"Does that disappoint you?" She asks, softer, as if she's speaking to a child. 

Neil takes a breath to calm himself.

"I'm ambivalent." He states, as if he has not a care in the world. As if he does not belong in a hospital. "In fact, that's my new favorite word."

"Do you know what that means, ambivalence?" Condescending. This is the world Neil has decided describes this woman. He contemplates telling her this, but thinks better of it.

Instead he just leans back further into the uncomfortable couch.

"I don't care."

"If it's your favorite word, I would-" This time Neil does cut her off, because he's getting very sick of this conversation.

"It means 'I don't care'. That's what it means."

"On the contrary, Neil. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings in opposition." Once again, Neil is left quiet. She takes his silence as an invitation to continue. "The prefix, as in ambidextrous, means 'both.' The rest of it, in Latin, means 'vigor.' The word suggests that you are torn between two opposing courses of action"

"Will I stay or will I go?" Neil offers.

She nods. Tentatively, "Am I sane or am I ill?"

Neil scoffs. "Those aren't courses of action."

"They can be, dear. For some."

He feels tears begin to well up in his eyes, hot and salty. His vision begins to blur and his eyes burn.

"Well, then, it's the wrong word." he snaps, glancing away so that he can blink the tears out of his eyes without having to see her watching him.

"No. I think it's perfect. 'What world is this? What kingdom? What shores of what worlds?' It's a very big question you're faced with, Neil. The choice of your life. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? Are they flaws? If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital for life? Big questions, big decisions. Not surprising you profess carelessness about them"

Neil doesn't know how to respond to that. So he doesn't.

"Is that it?"

"For now. You may go."

**Author's Note:**

> Neil's "illness" is purposefully written vaguely! It can be whatever you want! Of course his depression plays a part (considering that's why he was hospitalized in the first place) but what I personally imagined when Melvin begun a diagnosis was that it is referring to Neil's homosexuality (as this was 1959)!


End file.
